Some Randomness for Your Life! 
``````````````````````````````````` "yer momma don't dance and yer daddy don't rock'n'roll...that's just communist." ~radio DJ
"Pretty flowers have thorns. You would do well to remember that." ~Cher(Wolfs Rain)
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
I was wearing a tutu??! MANHOOD THREATENED!"
"It went silent...am I under your butt again??"
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.
To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City: Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Don't exaggerate!!!"
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to go into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
An Engilshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU DEVIL!!!"
Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You are the father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night." So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did. Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the local cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck."
The queen of England and the Pope were seated side by side on the platform at an event. After speaking together the subject of the innate powers of their respective offices came up."Isn't it curious that with a wave of my hand I can bring this crowd to its feet ,cheering,"said her majesty. "quite to the contrary," said the Pope, I can with a nod of my head cause every Irishman in the world to rise to his feet cheering."My dear man I would like to see that ,"said the Queen. With that the Pope head butted her!
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar dicussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'" Murphy says, "Thats's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'" |
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That would be so great if it weren't so shitty.
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It's nobody's business what's in my cup, what's in your cup, what's in their cup. It's your cup, drink it. Fuck you, and whatever was in my cup, I'm going to keep drinking it. Suck my dick, and my cup. - Lil Wayne
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